The Facebook Epiphany

Today I finally just took about an hour of my day to navigate facebook. Everyone tells me how "fun" it is and that i'll get addicted to it. Well, after about 30 mins, i determined that not only will i not get hooked, but also why i'm one of the last people on earth to sign up. Because to enjoy facebook, two things have to be somewhat true: 1. you have to have an interest in what other people are doing and 2. you are comfortable with people knowing what you are doing. It dawned on me that neither was true for me. I really didn't care what people were doing or thinking, nor did i want to share what i was doing or thinking. i think anyone who knows me can agree that i'm pretty consistent with that. (no applause)
but then, the last 30 mins, something happened that gave me an epiphany or at least some self realization. as i looked at people's photos i began to smile because i was happy that some of my old associates/friends had gotten married, had children, bought homes and had done some amazing things that they were proud of. then a sadness came over me. i looked at my profile and it hit me....if pictures are worth a thousand words, my picture says....NOTHING. everyone else has hundreds of photos of themselves, at parties, with friends, families, etc...or just silly little pictures with a camera phone. those pictures say, "fulfilled, happy, funny, love, parenthood, wild, LIFE".
i realized that i have one photo...where i am not smiling, as usual...stalephacing the camera. i can recall thinking, "take the damn picture" when i took it. but more so was the lack of photos, which is to say that i don't have any party pics, friend pics, fulfilled pics, funny, loving, parenthood or wild pics. NOTHING. i'm there on my island like as i so often feel. i got sad because it was then that i realized how isolated i've become and how much LIFE i've let pass me by trying to conquer mount Everest in a day. i joke with people that i'm an "island of self"...but there's so much truth in a joke. and quite honestly, its not a joke anymore. its all truth. i work alone in my home office. i go running alone...just me and my headphones. i eat alone, most times at a bar or restaurant watching espn. i can go places with a group..and i'll drive alone because i want to leave when i'm ready. i'm joking, but quite honestly, if i died in my apartment, it would probably take a few weeks before anyone knew about it cuz only a handful of people even know where i live.
A friend of mine told me once, "you deal with people when you get ready. you call when u want to. but if u don't want to, people don't hear from you for months." that just hit home right now because its true. i've spent so much time trying to accomplish my individual goals that i've closed everything and everyone off and pushed them far away. not intentionally, but that's the reality of it. Can a person have so much focus that he looses sight of what's really important? If family, friends and fun are important to successful life..i'd consider my life a bust. I see my parents once a year...and even then i bitch about buying a plane ticket. and really, my mother has to talk me into each year. Of all of my accomplishments, there are not many people who are aware of them nor have I involved anyone in my success. I just put it to the side and move on to the next project. What's the use of finding success if no one is there to share it with you? That question is really swirling around in my head right now. Sadly, i'm approaching my 34th birthday with no plans to celebrate. I recently had a 3 year anniversary for my Salon and didn't even tell anyone, nor did i even pat myself on the back. I bought my first house...didn't tell anyone, didn't take any pictures. I published a book...not a word. Just moved on to the next mountain.
Looking at facebook made me realize all of these things and i'll tell you, it made me quite sad. It made me wonder what did i experience that made me this way...to where i just shut the world out and used it only as i needed it, with no reciprocity. i've become so guarded with my personality and image that i let people see only what i want them to see and it keeps everything at a distance.


This next phase of my life is called, "Happiness". Time to crack the window and let the world in.